If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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