Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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