So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
