He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
