If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Randomize
