mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
