Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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