I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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