either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
