I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think your dad took our porno
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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