You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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