He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
