she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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