I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
