I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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