btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
