i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The air taste purple.
Randomize
