he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
