Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
