There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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