I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
