I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
