I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
