good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
