remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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