Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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