I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
