final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
