remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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