Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
try to milk me bitch
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