Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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