Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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