Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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