I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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