Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
