OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I have post one night stand depression
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
