i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
