How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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