she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
