So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
