is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
True strength comes from lack of pants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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