Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
