This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
and you fell through a lawn chair
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