Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
