Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
