why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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