Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
