so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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