I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
