I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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