I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
