Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
